Hi, my name is Amanda, and I’m a recovering control freak. For years, I thought my obsession with planning was a superpower—until life started humbling me, one unpredictable event at a time.
For the longest, I’ve looked at my A- personality as my way to be organized, strategic and productive. But the more I’ve learned about myself, having a meticulous plan and strategy is also my way of controlling everything. I know what’s going to happen, when it’s going to happen, and how it’s going to turn out. Sounds productive, right? Like the perfect ‘girl boss’ mentality? Wrong. Turns out, controlling everything isn’t a flex—it’s exhausting. I mean, by profession, I’m a project manager… match made in heaven for me! In life, though, it’s not so amazing.
When I turned 35, I felt like I was drowning in disappointment. Every plan I had for myself? Crumbling. The relationship I thought would end in marriage? A dead end. The weight gain? Unwelcome but persistent. Work? A snoozefest. And just when I thought I had no more curveballs left to dodge, I suffered a miscarriage. It wasn’t until I listened to a podcast and heard someone talk about self sabotage that it hit me! Paraphrasing, but on the podcast, they discussed how people self sabotage so that they can control the outcome. A light bulb went off in my head! Ding ding ding. That’s me! I strongly fear the unknown. Ok. I hate the unknown. Me, go through life blissfully unaware of what’s going to happen? No thank you!
I felt enlightened knowing what I was doing to myself but not strong enough to change. It was cool to understand the why, but it wasn’t a big enough issue at the time to do something different!
Then came January 5—the day everything changed. I stepped into the baptismal waters with the weight of my worries, fears, and failed plans. But when I emerged? Babyyyyy, that water did what needed to be done. I went down one way, and came back up fully ready to surrender everything to God. Perhaps the biggest change I felt on that day was trusting and putting my faith in God. It’s like my faith was relit. All of this time, I was trying to control everything in my life and it wasn’t working. Why? Because I was trying to do it on my own! What if what God has for me is bigger than I could ever imagine? What if I was asking for too little all along? My faith is showing me that I need to trust God and his timing over my fear and the strong desires that I have.
I’m still a work in progress. I catch myself reverting back to my old ways and have to pray and ask God to take control! Show me how good it can get! Jesus take the wheel! But since I surrendered my life and asked God to show me what I should be doing, my life has been amazing. I was blessed with a better role at work and am learning to just enjoy life and the experience instead of focusing on what I’m lacking. I’m grateful for this new perspective.
For the first time in my life, I’m not gripping the wheel—I’m letting God drive. And if the past month is any indication, I’m in for the ride of my life.
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